News: New Book

New book: “The Strong, Sensitive Boy” by Ted Zeff, Ph.D. will be released in June 2010

Dr. Zeff’s new book about the sensitive boy is a must read for anyone with a sensitive boy. The groundbreaking research and innovative suggestions for sensitive boys is sorely needed and is very healing for all sensitive males and for those who care about them.

Below are some excerpts from the first chapter. More excerpts to follow soon.

The Highly Sensitive Boy: Help your Sensitive Son Become a Strong, Confident Man

I. Challenges and Benefits for the Sensitive Boy

“I think there’s something wrong with my ten-year old son. He cries easily, complains about loud noises in the house, and frequently covers his nose when I’m cooking in the kitchen.  My son always stays home playing games on the computer, watching TV or reading.”

“I always felt different as a boy since I didn’t act like the other guys. When I saw boys fighting I would get nervous and was afraid. I’ve always held back expressing my real feelings for fear of being shamed for being too sensitive.”

If any of this sounds familiar, your son may be a highly sensitive boy. While your son may be different than most boys, he is not alone. According to research psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, approximately twenty percent of the population is highly sensitive and the trait is equally divided between males and females. In other words, approximately 20 percent of all males are highly sensitive, or one out of every five boys has a finely tuned nervous system!

What is a Highly Sensitive Boy?

What is the difference between a non-highly sensitive boy and a sensitive boy? A highly sensitive boy has trouble screening out stimuli and can be easily overwhelmed by noise, crowds and time pressure. The HSB (highly sensitive boy) tends to be very sensitive to pain and violent movies. He is also made extremely uncomfortable by bright lights, strong smells and changes in his life.

The highly sensitive boy’s nervous system is "wired" in such a way that he is more acutely aware of, and attuned to, themselves, other people, and their environment than the non-HSB. As a result, a highly sensitive boy is more easily stimulated by his surroundings. This is an inborn trait that researchers have also observed in approximately 20 percent of animal populations.

The highly sensitive boy generally reacts more deeply and exhibits more emotional sensitivity than the non-HSB. However, the degree of emotional and physiological reactions varies in each boy. For example, one HSB may not be bothered by noise or crowds, but is made uncomfortable by strong smells or wearing scratchy fabrics. Another boy may be extremely disturbed by loud noise, but not be bothered by watching violence on television. Although the trait has a high correlation with introversion, approximately 30 percent of HSBs are extraverts.

Most sensitive boys tend to pause to reflect before acting and would not be considered risk takers. Although this could be considered having a healthy caution, in most societies boys are frequently encouraged and praised for taking risks and shamed for cautious behavior. The HSB will notice potential danger sooner than the non-HSB and is very aware of safety issues. Interestingly, in the animal kingdom the sensitive horse that intuits danger first is able to warn the other horses of potential danger and becomes the leader that other horses will follow. This respect for the sensitive animal as leader is probably the reason why virtually no animals died in the tsunami several years ago.

Sensitive boys are generally less aggressive than the “average” boy and are at the opposite end of the spectrum from the very unemotional, aggresive, risk-taking non-HSBs. The HSB is conscientious, sensitive to his environment, and socially aware of others around him.

Although many cultures tend to categorize sensitive boys as being unusual or not normal, the trait is basically neutral. Life can be both satisfying and challenging for the boy with a finely tuned nervous system. For example, his responsible and careful approach to completing his schoolwork can make him an excellent student. However, he may spend an inordinate amount of time agonizing over whether he completed his assignment properly.

The Highly Sensitive Boy in Society

There are many more challenges for HSBs (highly sensitive boys) than HSGs (highly sensitive girls) due to societal values that males should be aggressive, thick-skinned and emotionally self-controlled, which is the antithesis of a highly sensitive boy.

Boys are taught from an early age to act tough and not to express their emotions. According to William Pollock (1998), whenever boys do not conform to the “boy code” and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they are usually ostracized and humiliated. Sensitive boys, especially, learn to deny their real selves in order to be accepted and approved by their peers. This denial can create fear, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Paul Kivel (1992) has written that boys are put into an “act like a man box” which means that they must be aggressive, tough, strong, in control and active. Whenever males step out of the box, they are humiliated. According to Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson (1999), if boys express emotions such as fear, anxiety, or sadness, they are seen as feminine and the adults and children typically treat them in ways that suggest that such emotions are not normal for a boy. Conversely, when girls express emotions they are doing what is expected from them, which actually helps them be more accepted by other girls (Aron 2002).